Coming Home, Again

Spoilers: None

Summary: J/C - Chakotay returns to Earth for the first annual reunion.

Disclaimer: Paramount owns them. I'm just helping tell their story a little better.

Thanks: Many, many, many thanks to Caffey for her beta work - both for her wonderful suggestions and for tolerating my odd use of commas. This smiley is for you... :-)

Kathryn set down her key card on the entryway table and bent over to remove the leash from Prixie’s collar.  “Off you go, girl.”  She ushered the hyper puppy into the kitchen.
 
She and Prixie had returned from their evening run.  Kathryn downed the rest of the water in her bottle as she watched her puppy splatter water from her bowl all over her furry face.  She reached down to ruffle up her dark red fur. “You’re a mess, do you know that?  You’re a mess!”
 
Before she had a chance to take off her running shoes, the com terminal indicated she had an incoming call.  She sat down to answer it.
 
“Hello Kathryn.”
 
Surprised by Chakotay’s unexpected call, Kathryn was delayed for just a moment before answering.  “Hi.”  Her full smile lit her face at seeing him. “Are you here?”  His smile immediately warmed her spirit and she found herself longing to see him.
 
“On Earth?  Yes.  I’m at a hotel near Golden Gate Park.”
 
“I just ran near there.  Oh – I wish I’d known.  Prixie and I would have stopped in to visit.”
 
“You do look like you just ran a marathon – and you look great.  Wait – who’s Prixie?”  The name didn’t ring a bell, but he figured she had a new friend.  Regardless – she looked like she was full of energy and happy – something he was very glad to see.
 
“Molly’s grand-daughter.  She’s almost a year old.”  Kathryn called Prixie over and picked her up to proudly show her off.  “I call her Prixie because her fur…” Kathryn tugged on the long fur under the puppy’s face, “reminds of Neelix’s whiskers.  And… she is very cheerful and perceptive of my moods.”  Kathryn leaned forward to whisper, “and I didn’t think I should name my dog after a member of my crew.”
 
Chakotay chuckled, “So might as well name him after his favorite holiday?”
 
Kathryn smiled and set the puppy down.  “Something like that.  So how long have you been back?  Are you here for the reunion?  Where you have you been?  What’s going on in your life?”
 
Chakotay laughed. “So many questions!  Have dinner with me and I’ll tell you everything.”
 
“Gladly.  Where should I meet you?  I need to take a shower first.”
 
He wrinkled up his nose. “Please do.”  He picked up a guide map and started studying it.  “I don’t remember what restaurants are good.  Where would you suggest?”
 
Kathryn smiled. “Why don’t I come to your hotel and we can decide from there?  Some place casual where we can talk?”
 
Chakotay’s eyes were warm with gratitude. “I’d like that.  Take your time and come up to my room when you get here.”  He typed something into the keyboard of the terminal.  “I’m sending you the address and my room number.”
 
“Will do.  See you in about an hour?”
 
“I can’t wait.”
 
After they cut the connection, Kathryn looked over at her puppy.  “Well kiddo, can you manage an evening without me?  Maybe I’ll bring him over to meet you?  Would you like that?”
 
Kathryn laughed as Prixie’s tail moved so fast that her little rump wiggled with it.  “I better go get ready.  Want to help me pick something out to wear?”
 
Kathryn showered and changed into a lightweight pantsuit.  It was a beautiful May evening and she looked forward to enjoying the city at night – not to mention the company.  She pulled the front of her hair back into a clip and let the long strands hang down her back.  It had grown quite a bit longer than last time she had seen him and she was sure he’d like it.  She remembered how tragic he thought it was when she cut it off in the first place.  He just had no idea how freer she felt when she cut it all off.
 
Since she still had 30 minutes before she said she’d be there, she made her way to the old-fashioned trolley station and took the next one to Golden Gate Park.  She knew of the hotel he was staying at and this trolley would go right by it.  She looked around at the people riding with her – most were tourists enjoying the city.  She silently hoped that none would recognize her.  Her fame had diminished in the last year, but she often had well-meaning people offer her a warm welcome home.  Not that she minded it – it was great to be home – but sometimes she just wanted to be an anonymous face in the crowd.  The news service had been discussing the one-year anniversary of their return, but she hoped that most people would see it as old news and not pay it much attention.
 
She got off at the corner near Chakotay’s hotel and made her way inside and to the lift.  The nervous butterflies that began moving around in her stomach surprised her.  She hadn’t seen or heard from Chakotay in almost 9 months and missed him terribly.  The three months after they got back were very hectic and she felt like she hadn’t really had a chance to spend much time with him for over a year.
 
They had one long conversation before he left.  He had broken off his relationship with Seven and felt the need to “get away”.  She could tell there was something distressing him deeply, but he shut down the conversation when she asked.  She urged him to stay, but he insisted that he had some old ghosts to put to rest and that he needed some time away to organize his thoughts.  He promised to keep in touch if he could, and that he wouldn’t stay away for too long.  Kathryn had wanted to tell him that she wished he would stay for her, but she knew his spirit was troubled and didn’t want to add to his burden.
 
She got off the lift on his floor and made her way to his room.  The old hotel didn’t have an automatic door chime so she knocked firmly on the door.  The butterflies were doing flip-flops as she heard his footsteps walking towards the door.
 
As soon as it opened, she found herself pulled into a very tight hug.  She barely had a chance to look at him, much less a chance to say hello before she was smooshed against his strong chest.  She inhaled his dearly missed spicy scent and let herself relax completely into his strong arms.
 
They stayed tight in their embrace for several minutes, each re-memorizing the way the other felt.  He finally spoke, “I have missed you so much.”
 
Kathryn pulled herself away just far enough to look up into his eyes. “Me too.  You promised you wouldn’t stay away too long.”  She rubbed his back with the hands that still embraced him.
 
His kind smile infused her with warmth. “I’m back now.”
 
“To stay?”
 
“I think so.”  There was a hesitation in his answer.
 
She tilted her head. “You’re not sure?”
 
“Pretty sure, but that’s just one of the many things I’d like to talk to you about.”
 
“I’m all ears.”  As she looked into his eyes, she could tell that some of his troubles were still bothering him.
 
He shook his head in delight. “I can’t even see your ears.”  He pulled her long hair into his hands and leaned down to plant a light kiss just in front of her right ear.  “You look terrific and your hair has gotten so long!”
 
If his kiss had been about 4 centimeters lower, she was sure she would have lost all coherent thought.  “I thought you would like it.  I decided to go back to the bun when on duty now that we’re home.”
 
He closed his eyes to avoid picturing it.  “No…please not the bun-of-steel.”
 
She smiled. “Not quite that severe, I assure you.”
 
He reluctantly let her go and went to slip on his shoes.  “So where would you like to go?”
 
“There’s a quiet little bistro overlooking the bay.  We could sit outside and enjoy the fresh air.  What do you think?”
 
“Sounds great.”  He opened the door for her and they made their way out of the hotel and onto the sidewalk.
 
“It’s only a few blocks away.”  She threaded her hand through his arm to catch it on his elbow.  He held her hand there as they walked toward the restaurant.
 
They looked around, enjoying the fresh air, the people, and each other’s presence.  Chakotay felt a sense of comfort that he hadn’t felt for awhile.  “Every time I’m here, I’m amazed at all the activity.  It’s so refreshing to see so many happy, healthy people.”
 
She looked up at him. “You’ve been somewhere unpleasant?”
 
He shook his head. “Not unpleasant.  Just not as vibrant.”
 
He didn’t say any more and she didn’t want to push it.  “That’s the bistro over there.”  She led him across the street.  “In a way – this reminds me of our trip to L.A. a few years back.”
 
“But thankfully, this time we don’t have to once again save the universe from certain annihilation.”
 
“It sounds so glamorous in retrospect, doesn’t it?”
 
Chakotay thought for a moment. “Glamorous?  Not sure.  To me, it sounds like a lifetime away.”
 
She nodded. “It does that too.  Hard to believe we’ve only been back a year.”
 
The host showed them to a secluded table out on the deck overlooking the bay and the Golden Gate Bridge.  “This is a fantastic view, Kathryn.”
 
“I’m glad you like it.  This place has a variety of vegetarian entrées as well.”
 
They looked over the menu and made their order.  When the waiter brought the wine, Chakotay offered a toast.  “To home.”
 
“To home.” She smiled graciously at him.
 
“So – it’s been a year?”  He continued when she nodded.  “The year has been great to you.  You look fantastic… and like you’re full of energy and very happy.”
 
“I am happy.  After the first three months of P.R. craziness, I took another six months leave.  I’ve only been working since the beginning of March.”
 
“What did you do on leave?”
 
“I slept.”  She smiled at his amused expression.  “A lot.  I had a lot of catching up to do.”
 
He nodded. “Yes, you did.”
 
“I got to know my niece and nephew.  Katie is 6 and Brian is 4.  They are very precious children.”
 
“And your mom and sister, how are they?”
 
“Oh, they’re fine.  I let mom fuss over me for a few months before I started looking for a home here.  Phoebe is busy with the two kids and her art gallery, but we’ve become better friends than we ever were.  I try to spend most of my weekends in Indiana.  I’ve found that I don’t want to miss even a week of their lives.”
 
“Well, it certainly sounds like you’ve enjoyed yourself.  Have you missed Voyager?”
 
She laughed. “Do you have any idea how many times I’ve been asked that question?  My stock answer is yes and no.  I miss my Voyager family, but I’m very happy to be home.”
 
“And what’s your real answer?”
 
“That I miss my Voyager family and I’m happy to be home.”
 
He shook his head with a smile. “No…the real answer.”
 
She took a sip of her wine and looked out over the bay.  “Well, I was getting pretty bored until I went back to work.  Now I’m only a little bored.”  She smiled at herself.  “I do miss the crew – I miss having a close family.  I think that is why I probably spend so much time with my sister’s family.”
 
“I’m sure they love having you back.”
 
Kathryn nodded. “Yes, they do.  And they’ve been very patient with me.”  She paused in thought. “However, I find myself wishing for my own family.”  She looked up into his eyes hoping he could read what she wasn’t saying.
 
It was something that he had been hoping to hear her say, but he wasn’t ready to have that conversation yet so he changed the subject. “And your position?  Are you happy with that?”
 
At one point in their relationship, she appreciated it when he steered the conversation into safer territory, but not now.  However, she went with it.  The evening had only just begun and the reunion was still several days away.  She had time.  “My position?  Admiral Janeway.  Every time I hear that, I think someone’s asking for my father.”
 
He smiled. “What do they have you doing?”
 
“They’ve assigned me to head a task force to evaluate and create a strategy for dealing with the Romulan threat.”
 
Concern washed over his face. “That’s quite a job.  If something happens, will you have to go there?”
 
“I’m not sure.  It’s unpredictable right now.  They asked me to lead it because I’m not emotionally biased by their actions during the war.  What I’d like to do is keep away from any of the conflicts so I can remain objective.”
 
“I like the sound of that.”
 
She smiled. “Are you protecting me again?”
 
“Always.”  He reached across the table and took her hand.
 
“Besides, there are others who are more gifted in diplomacy and tactics.  My job is to create a long-term strategy and to put the right people in the right place so the best decisions can be made in the field.”
 
“As much as I’m glad to hear you say you’re keeping your distance from any fighting, I have to disagree with the rest of your statement.  You are the most gifted Starfleet officer I’ve ever met.”
 
Kathryn blushed a little under the compliment. “You’re biased.”
 
He smiled before taking a sip of his wine.  “Completely.”
 
He let go of her hand when the waiter arrived with their dinner.  “Kathryn, this is wonderful!”
 
“I thought you’d like it.”  She smiled as he dove into his entrée.  “So… you haven’t told me how long you’ve been back?”
 
He looked up. “Just got back today.”
 
“Today?  You must be exhausted?”
 
“Not really – I had a nine-day trip on a transport shuttle to recondition myself for the time difference.  I’m more restless than tired.”
 
“I could take tomorrow off – we could go sailing or hiking?”
 
Chakotay shook his head. “I don’t want to take time away from your work.  Besides, I think I need to go see B’Elanna.”
 
“First of all – I want to spend as much time as possible with you while you’re here and I’ll gladly take off work to do so.  Second – B’Elanna works during the day too.”
 
“Oh.  Well, maybe. We’ll see.  I need to call her.”
 
Kathryn stopped eating, realizing why he was so hesitant. “You haven’t called her yet?  She doesn’t know that you’re here?”
 
Chakotay guiltily looked up. “No – I wanted to see you first.”
 
Kathryn smiled. “I’m flattered, but you’re going to be in serious trouble when she finds out.”
 
“Maybe so, but I still wanted to see you first and I know that if I had called her, I’d be over there tonight.”
 
“Well, I’m glad you did. But I would have been over there with you.”
 
“Have you remained close to them?”
 
“Very.”  Kathryn smiled.  “When I’m not spending time with my family in Indiana, I’m usually with Tom, B’Elanna, and Miral.  We’ve become much closer now that I’m not their commanding officer.”
 
“How are they?”
 
“They are doing well.  B’Elanna is working on a ship design project and Tom is a test pilot.  Miral is going to take her first steps soon.  She’s growing up so quickly!”
 
“I can’t wait to see her – even if I didn’t get to be her godfather.”
 
“Still sore about that?”
 
“I love the Doctor” At Kathryn’s questioning look he added, “Really, I do.  I just thought that after all B’Elanna and I have been through together that she would at least let me be the godfather.”
 
He was laughing about it, but she could tell that he was a little hurt.  “It was something that she needed to do at the time.  He’s not even around her much so I’m sure she’ll love and adore her ‘Uncle Chakotay’ as much as if he were named her actual godfather.”
 
“I’m sorry – I should have put that behind me a long time ago.”
 
She squeezed his hand across the table. “Hey… don’t worry about it.  Besides, you could have the other end of the spectrum.  Do you know what I get?  I get kids named after me.  Did you know that 5 babies have been born in the last 3 months from our crew and 4 of them are named Kathryn?”
 
He was glad that she changed the subject. “In addition to your niece and Miral Kathryn?”
 
“Yes.  It’s going to be really confusing when they’re older.  Can you imagine in about 25-30 years when they are all getting married?  We won’t know which Kathryn is marrying who and when.”
 
“However… at the reunions when a little girl is misbehaving, everyone can just yell ‘Kathryn’!”  He was having difficulty containing his mirth.
 
“Great.”  She was honored, but it was a bit much.  “Well, I hope we have a batch of boys very soon – so we can have a bunch of little Chakotays running around.”
 
“Somehow, I don’t think anyone is going to choose to use my name for their child.”
 
“I don’t know.  Might at least have a Tay or two.”
 
He sighed.  “I’m really looking forward to seeing everyone.  So…what are the plans for the reunion?  I came back knowing that it would be soon, but I don’t know exactly when or where.”
 
Kathryn was close to making a comment that he would have known had he not disappeared from their lives, but decided against it.  “A weekend full of events.  Friday is the first official event, but on Thursday night, the senior staff is getting together at Harry’s parents’ home.  His mother is insisting on being our hostess.  Harry, Tuvok, Seven, the Doctor, and you have been off planet for a while so this will be our chance to catch up before the rest of the crew surrounds us.  As much trouble as you’re going to be in with B’Elanna, I’m glad you and I have this chance to talk alone.”
 
“Me too.”  He smiled warmly at her for a moment.  “So what happens Friday night?”
 
“Friday is the official Starfleet event.  It’s a reception in the grand ballroom on campus.  It will be similar to the welcome-home ball.”
 
“And that was so fun.”
 
Kathryn smiled at his sarcasm.  “It’s a chance for the Federation to show that they are proud of us – nothing more.”
 
“That was very political of you.”  He rolled his eyes.  “What you mean to say is it’s the brass’s chance to gain some PR points for Starfleet.”
 
“Hey.”  She pointed her fork in his direction.  “I’m part of the brass now so watch it buddy.”
 
He crossed his hands on his chest. “I’m so sorry, how can you ever forgive me?”
 
She grinned at his melodrama. “You’ll just have to make it up to me by being my escort.”
 
Chakotay smiled. “Gladly.  But can I abandon you once we’re inside?”
 
She shook her head. “No – I fully intend on keeping you by my side all evening long.”
 
He sighed. “I’m really looking forward to it.”
 
“Hey…try to show some excitement.”  She smiled, knowing how much he hated formal events.  She hoped that she could make it more fun for him if he’d let her.  She continued her description of the reunion plans.  An all-family picnic was planned for the day on Saturday.  Saturday night would be a party for the former crewmembers only.
 
They continued their easy conversation throughout dinner.  Kathryn talked the most, catching Chakotay up on all the news she had heard.  She thought it was an ironic turn of events, seeing as he was usually the one to tell her about the personal lives of her crew on Voyager.
 
Chakotay didn’t bring up anything about where he’d been or what his future plans might be.  Kathryn didn’t want to push him, but his silence only increased her curiosity.  After they finished their dessert and coffee, Kathryn suggested they walk down towards the bay.
 
They found a bench in a secluded spot and sat down.  The tide was rolling in and they could hear waves crash onto the shore in the distance.  After a long period of silence, Kathryn reached over and took hold of his hand.  “Did you put your old ghosts to rest?”
 
He was quiet for a while before he spoke.  “Most of them.  I still haven’t told you what I’ve been doing.  I’m not sure I know how.”
 
“Do you think I’ll disapprove?”
 
“No…  There are just things about my past that I’ve never told you.”  He paused a moment before continuing, “If there is anyone who believes in me – no matter what – I know it’s you.  I’ve been trying to work through this on my own, but I feel like I’m going crazy.  I had to try even though I know that you didn’t want me to leave.”
 
“Do you want to tell me or do you feel like you have to?”
 
“Both.”  He watched the waves for a while longer before he began speaking.
 
“I killed a man.”
 
Kathryn waited quietly for him to tell her more.  This declaration didn’t startle her because she, herself, had ended people’s lives – both directly and indirectly.  It was part of being in a military organization – something that couldn’t be avoided.  However, his admittance of this act meant that it was more than a military act and she somehow knew that it wasn’t necessarily a direct result of being in the Maquis either.
 
“Did Starfleet ever tell you why you were sent to capture me?”
 
“Beyond the obvious?”
 
He nodded.
 
“Nothing except that I was to get Tuvok back and arrest you.  I assume there was more to the story?”
 
“Did you find it odd that Starfleet would put Tuvok in my cell to begin with?”
 
“I assume it was because you were the leader of the Maquis?”
 
He shook his head. “I wasn’t.  I never even fired on a Starfleet vessel.  We always avoided it – that was very important to me.  Our fight was not with Starfleet – it was with the Cardassians.”
 
“You weren’t the leader?”  He shook his head.  “You never committed crimes against the Federation?”  He shook his head again.  “Why haven’t we had this conversation before?”
 
“I didn’t want to.  There didn’t seem to be a reason to trudge it out in the open.  I just figured Starfleet made a mistake and that it would all be straightened out in the end.  It didn’t have any impact on us being in the Delta Quadrant or even on our command relationship.  The Liberty would have been in the Delta Quadrant regardless of whether you had followed us out there.  When I realized you were there, I was actually thankful that we weren’t alone.”
 
She gazed at him in empathy, “I never told you… but I felt the same way.”
 
He squeezed her hand. “I know.”  His story continued, “After the debriefings were over, Admiral Kennelly asked to speak to me about your original mission.  After hearing what he had to say, I was actually hoping Starfleet would punish me, but they didn’t.”
 
“I wouldn’t have let them.”
 
He turned to smile at her. “Do you think you could have stopped them?”
 
“I would have died trying.”
 
He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and hugged her close to his side.  “I know, and I’m glad we didn’t have to face that.  But they didn’t give me a reprimand or anything.”
 
“You wanted one?”
 
“Surprised?”
 
“A little.”  Kathryn thought hard, trying to interpret what he wasn’t saying.  “So why then, was I afforded the opportunity to spend seven exciting years getting to know you?  What did Kennelly tell you?  Who did you kill?”
 
“Gul Dumek.”
 
“And he was… ?”
 
“He was the Cardassian responsible for killing my people.”  He paused for a moment.  “I wasn’t supposed to kill him, but when I found out what he had done, the fury in me was so great that I acted without giving it a second thought.”
 
Quietly she said, “I probably would have done the same thing.”  She could hear the pain in his voice, but resisted the urge to console him.
 
“What I’m telling you now can’t ever be repeated.  I’m telling you because I need to tell someone and I need you to know the full truth about my past.”  He waited for her to nod before he continued.  “What I didn’t know until Kennelly told me was that Starfleet had planted several agents in the Maquis.  Not Tuvok – not yet.  These agents were given orders to capture Gul Dumek and question him about Cardassia’s activities.  Starfleet was using the Maquis to gather intelligence.  Several cells came together for the mission, but he was brought on board my ship for questioning.  When he recognized my tattoo, he was only too glad to tell me all about his actions on Trebus.  That’s when I killed him – before he could tell us anything.  It was personal revenge.  I have never felt such anger and hatred.”
 
Kathryn squeezed his hand between both of hers and patiently waited for him to tell her the rest.
 
“So when I met with Kennelly last summer, he decided it was in my best interest to know the full story of why you were sent to arrest me.  I spoke to Tuvok about it as soon as I could get to him and he didn’t even know about the earlier agents.  His orders were to infiltrate my cell to keep an eye on me.  He said Starfleet thought I was a loose canon and needed to be contained so that I wouldn’t be a catalyst to war.”
 
“A loose canon?  For killing one Cardassian?  That doesn’t make any sense.  Starfleet would have had other ways of gathering intelligence on the Cardassians.  Anyway, why would Starfleet be so interested in you specifically?”
 
“According to Kennelly, Starfleet was secretly funding the Maquis and using it as a front.”
 
“Starfleet started the Maquis rebellion?”
 
He shook his head. “No – it started to get Starfleet to take notice of what was going on.  Well, Starfleet did notice and secretly used the Maquis to fight the war that they couldn’t fight because of their damned treaty.”
 
Kathryn looked at him in disbelief. “That’s a little hard to believe.  I know that Starfleet has their secrets, but they were adamantly opposed to the Maquis.”
 
He shook his head. “I know.  They used the Maquis to do what they didn’t have the courage to do.  There were some in Starfleet that would betray their brother if it meant stopping a war.  In my tribe’s case – they sold us out to keep the peace.”
 
Kathryn didn’t want to get into the debate about his tribe refusing to leave Trebus.  It was sacred to his people and he was angry that the Federation didn’t honor and respect that.  The more she learned about his history and beliefs, the more she understood his anger.  “So where do you and Dumek come into all this?”
 
Chakotay cringed. “Please don’t say our names together like that?”
 
Kathryn’s composure softened.  She realized that she had gotten so caught up in the subterfuge that she wasn’t realizing the full extent of his anguish.  “I’m sorry.  Let me rephrase – Why did Starfleet really send me to get you?”
 
He took a deep breath and willed his pain and grief to the back of his mind.  Over the last 10 months, his emotions had run so hot and cold that he had a hard time maintaining his self-control.  The thought of losing control terrified him.  “Because someone in the Maquis set me up.”
 
She inhaled softly in surprise and quietly pleaded, “No”.  At that point, she knew why his pain was so great.  Not once, but twice, an organization that he believed in and committed his life to betrayed him.  “Do you have any idea how or why?”
 
“There was a lot of internal fighting among the Maquis cell leaders.  I tried hard to keep my cell out of it.  We had work to do and the bickering was halting our progress.  Other cell leaders started getting sick of the constant clashing and decided to ally with me.  I didn’t think of it as a division in the Maquis at the time – I was just glad that others were refocusing their efforts on our mission.”
 
Chakotay ran his hand through his hair in frustration.  Saying all of this out loud was like reliving the past.  “The man who actually was the leader of the Maquis – Rajel Ornon – and the source of all the bickering was the one responsible for allowing Starfleet to use the Maquis.  He had a lot of plans to use the information gathered from Duvek to try to stop the war.  I had no idea that Ornon’s hidden agenda was to stop the fighting by helping Starfleet.  I honestly believed he was making it worse.”
 
Kathryn was trying to form a theory. “So in the eyes of Starfleet, the division was for and against stopping the war?”
 
Chakotay nodded. “And I had no idea that Starfleet saw me as the leader of an anti-Starfleet, pro-war terrorist sect… and all because I was trying to avoid the internal politics of the Maquis.  When I killed Dumek, it just made matters worse.  Starfleet thought I had done it to escalate the war.  Ornon knew that wasn’t the case, but he allowed Starfleet to think that to get me out of the way and reunite the Maquis.”
 
“How does Kennelly know so much?  Was he involved?”
 
“No.  He was involved in the investigation when most of the Maquis were arrested.  Ornon was trying to get leniency by implicating his Starfleet contacts and the truth came out.  The whole situation was swept under the carpet because the war had already started.  To keep from tarnishing the record of those Starfleet officers involved, the Maquis were sent to prison and the logs were erased.”
 
Kathryn was enraged at Kennelly for putting Chakotay through this, “Why the hell did he tell you about this?  What purpose could it possibly serve?!”
 
Chakotay willed himself to stay calm even while Kathryn was irate.  “He honestly thought it would help me.  Although ignorance can be bliss, I felt like a fool that once again, I could be so easily deceived.”
 
“You had no way of knowing.”
 
“If I had stayed involved in the leadership of the Maquis, I would have.  I hope you understand why I couldn’t stay in Starfleet.  I can’t allow myself to be put in that position again.  I’m too trusting and obviously not capable of detecting deception.”
 
She was quiet for a minute before she decided that he needed to hear about Tuvok’s report.  “Has Tuvok told you what his report to Starfleet would have been?”
 
Chakotay thought about her question for a moment. “No, I don’t believe he did.”
 
“He told me the day that I destroyed the Caretaker’s array.”
 
“Do I want to hear this?”
 
She smiled. “I think you do.”
 
He took a deep breath. “All right.”
 
“He told me that your cell’s activities were strictly focused on disabling Cardassian supply ships, stealing their cargo, and rescuing any hostages that they were carrying.”
 
Chakotay nodded. “That’s true.”
 
She continued. “He said that you were angry and resentful toward the Cardassians because they destroyed your home, but that you spent most of your energy focused on helping the remaining colonies survive and defend themselves by providing much needed supplies.”
 
“He wasn’t around for my moment of glory.”  Chakotay’s response dripped with sarcasm.
 
“No, but he also said that you were an excellent Captain and had the full admiration and respect of your crew.  He said that you took the rescued hostages and focused their anger and resentment on assisting the colonies or becoming productive members of your crew.”
 
Chakotay was silent for a moment.  “I had no idea that he felt that way – eventually, by the time we got back to Earth, maybe – but not at first.”
 
“It was he who made the recommendation that you be put into the position as first officer on Voyager.  He said your tactical skills were exemplary and that you had a special talent to calm, reassure, and motivate people in the most dire of circumstances.”
 
Chakotay smiled for the first time since they had begun talking about his past.  “So you’re saying that Tuvok convinced you to ask me to be your first officer?”
 
Kathryn nodded, “I hadn’t even had time to think about yet, but it made perfect sense.”
 
He chuckled. “And all this time I thought it was because of my good looks.”
 
She smiled. “Well…there’s that too.”  She paused for a moment before continuing.  “I knew from the first moment that I saw you that I could trust you.  I hope you know that?”
 
“I knew it was either trust or stupidity when you stood between me and Tom.”
 
She smiled. “Maybe a little of both.”
 
They were quiet for a while, absorbed in their thoughts about this conversation until Kathryn stated, “Starfleet was seriously misinformed.  I doubt they or the other Maquis knew about your connection to Dumek before or after he died.  If they had, it would have been a tactical error to send you in, regardless of any division in the Maquis.  You have to know that?”
 
Chakotay thought about that for a long moment. “You’re right.  I had never considered that.  I’ve been so caught up in feeling angry and guilty about the whole mess, that I completely missed it.  I just assumed that I was set-up to be the one to capture Dumek in the first place.”
 
“Why are you feeling guilty?”
 
“If I hadn’t killed him, Starfleet might have gotten the information they needed to stop the war from ever starting.  Maybe they would have found out about the Dominion sooner.  Maybe it was my fault that all those people died in the war.”
 
Kathryn frowned. “That’s an awful lot of conjecture.  Do you really think they would have put all their eggs in one basket like that?”
 
Chakotay said, “I don’t know.  It took an awful lot of planning to get Dumek.  It’s possible that he was the one they needed or the only one they could get to.”
 
“Maybe, maybe not.  You don’t know.  You’re also assuming that the knowledge gained from Dumek would have been enough to stop a war.  If he really had that much power, Cardassia’s plans would have been damaged pretty severely when they lost him.”
 
“I’m not sure about any of it anymore.”
 
She turned to face him. “Chakotay, where have you been for the last 9 months?”
 
He looked at her. “Mostly in the Bajoran system.  I helped some of the more damaged colonies and outposts with their reconstruction.  I felt like I needed to serve penance for my actions.”
 
“Because you thought you could have single-handedly stopped the war?”
 
He nodded. “Sounds kind of ridiculous when you put it that way.”
 
She relaxed back into his side and took his hand again. “Did you find any peace while you were away?”
 
He looked out at the bay and thought carefully about how to answer that question.  His peace was in his arms, but he had gone away to avoid adding to her burden.  Now he was asking for her help, but he was uncomfortable accepting it.  He had wanted to regain his confidence and emotional stability before coming back to her, but found that he couldn’t stay away any longer.  His spirit needed her strength, but his heart was just beginning to heal from the pain he had felt during the last year.  He hesitantly answered, “I think I’m much closer, but I’ve still got some work to do in here.”  He pointed to his heart.
 
She placed her hand on his chest. “I’d like to help.”
 
He covered her hand with his. “I’m pretty sure that I need your help.”  His words were choked. “I don’t know anywhere else to go.”
 
She sat up and reached both arms around his neck to embrace him.  “I’m here and we’ll get through this.”  She pulled back to look into his eyes.  “I promise.”
 
He nodded his gratitude and pulled her back into a hug.  Silent tears rolled down his cheeks as an enormous weight was lifted from his shoulders.
 
They sat together in their embrace for a very long time.  No words were needed – just the comforting presence of each other was enough to start healing the wounds.
 
Chakotay yawned and Kathryn looked up at him. “We need to get you back to your hotel.”
 
Chakotay shook his head. “Now what kind of gentleman would I be if I let you walk yourself home this late at night?”
 
She smiled and stood up, reaching out for him to stand with her.  “That’s exactly right – you are a very gentle man.”
 
Her words were soothing to his battered heart.  “Thank you.”
 
They walked in silence to the transport station, and then on to her house.  When they got to her door, Kathryn said, “Would you like to meet Prixie?”
 
Chakotay nodded. “I’d love to.”
 
Kathryn opened the door and led Chakotay into her living room.  She opened the back door to let her puppy in.  Prixie immediately ran up to Kathryn and gave her hands sloppy, wet kisses.  As soon as she saw Chakotay, she showered him with similar affections.
 
“She’s beautiful, Kathryn.”
 
“Thank you.  I think she’s absolutely precious and she keeps me company.”
 
He looked up at her from his position on his knees petting Prixie. “I’m very glad that you have her.”
 
“Me too.”
 
“I should go.”
 
Kathryn nodded and walked him to the door. “I’ll work in the morning and get anything urgent taken care of so I can take the rest of the week off.  You should sleep in.  I’ll call B’Elanna and let her know that you’re here and we’ll make plans for tomorrow afternoon and evening.  Call me when you’re up and about?  Will that be okay?”
 
He nodded. “Thank you.”
 
Before she opened the door, she reached up to give him a hug.  “Will you be okay until then?”
 
“Yes.  I already feel a lot better than I did yesterday.”
 
She pulled back. “Good.  Then the rest of the week should only get better.”
 
He opened the door and kissed her cheek.  “Goodnight, Kathryn.”
 
“Goodnight.”  She laid her hand on his back and guided him out the door.
 
After the door closed, she turned back to her puppy. “Well, Prix, we should get some sleep.  Tomorrow is going to be a very long, and I think, a very wonderful day.”

END

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